Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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