somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
