I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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