I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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