I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
