I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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