I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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