I cut my penus on the lid.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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