put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
