your parents love me but you hate me
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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