If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
