Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
