Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
All I want is dick and wine.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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