just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
