worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
