Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
