She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She told me I should be a condom model.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
