He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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