Banned from zoo.
Again?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
