if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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