There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
