You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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