I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
