im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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