Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Randomize
