No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My ass is underappreciated
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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