It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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