things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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