He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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