I wish I could punch you in the face.
we have pet lesbian snakes
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
