theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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