You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
