he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We need to rekindle our bromance
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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