When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
