I feel great
I just peed on a car
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
