How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We left the knife in your bed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
