I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
