John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
