Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
