that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
