I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
