DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
