He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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