I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize