if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
