I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
