Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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