The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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