Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
