do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
