I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
