do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I came so hard my ears popped.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
