mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
