That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
