I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
