Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
