My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
