yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
