I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i already hear my dad disowning me
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
