Please, let me fuck your mom
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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