it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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